Grandpa Joe ~ Dandy Day excerpt
Updated: Feb 27, 2019
She is a funny, little pisher, that Dandy. It would appear she is in some sort of… how you say… a pickle? We drive in my new lawnmower. Oy, it’s a beautiful thing! Such a lawnmower you never did see! It is a John Deere X758. They tell me it is the Rolls-Royce of lawnmowers. I work hard all my life. I deserve a little extra treat, no? I call my new lawnmower Dolores, after my late wife, may she rest in peace. What would my Dolores think of me naming a lawnmower after her? She would laugh and smile at me with her eyes dancing, and she would tell me I am a crazy-old man. In other words, she would have loved it. I give Dandy a pair of safety goggles, and off we go to mow. Mowing the lawn on my Dolores is the thing I most love to do. Now Dandy begins to do the thing she most loves to do... the yakety yak.
“The thing is, if I know that I have an Acute Narcissism Disorder or serious Delusions of Grandeur then that's the first step to recovery!”
I don’t know what she’s talking about. She reads too much, thinks too much, talks to much, wonders too much. But, what can you do? When you love someone, you listen, no? I turn to my lovely granddaughter, and I ask her, “So, did you and that Simon ever smooch a little?”
“Well, I’m just saying, it makes the sense, no?”
“No, it does not make the sense. I'm trying to tell you that I'm on the verge of solving all of my love problems, and you want to know if I've kissed my best friend?”
“Boobilah, it is not so crazy.”
“Yes. It is. Besides you, Simon is the only man I can't turn into a nut job.”
“My, my, my, you certainly think you have a lot of power, don't you?”
“You’ve seen what happens, gramps. I make them cuckoo, and then they leave. All of them. First it was dad, then it was every man I ever dated. Either that or I do the leaving before they can, in order to beat them to the punch. Either way, I end up alone.”
“Let me ask you, in your psychiatric mumbo jumbo, it is okay to give yourself a lot of these silly labels and make everything so complicated?” I ask.
“Labels can help us stay organized. They're one way to try and understand each other and ourselves better. At least I think that. Or I think I think that. ”
Then she does something that is nothing short of miraculous. My darling granddaughter stops talking. So, I take advantage of this opening. “Your grandma and me, we never needed to put such labels all over each other. We knew each other just the right amount. And if one of us should sometimes act a little cuckoo, we forgave each other.”
Dandy is still not talking as we drive along on Dolores. I notice her watching the blades of grass pop up from under Dolores. She has a look on her face like she is missing something, somebody. I know the look too well.
“Listen,” I tell her. “When you meet someone whose cuckoo matches your cuckoo in all of the right ways, it will be a match. So far, these boys happen to be not the right kind of cuckoo for you. In the meantime, boobila, quiet your mind a little, yes?”
She looks at me and almost says something but instead, she smiles.
I know she’s not going to make me any promises she can’t keep.
BONUS! Another excerpt from Dandy Day. I made this Go Animate video for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!